Iowa, Iowa, Iowa

It’s one of those words that sounds really silly if you say it too many time in a row.

A little selfishly, I am excited that the Republican primary season is finally underway. I get to sit back and enjoy the sickly feeling I get watching monkeys throw their shit around. But unfortunately I occasionally remember that one of those monkeys is going to be an election away from the White House.

And Jesus Christ it could be Rick Santorum. One of the first entries I wrote on this blog was called “Fuck You Rick Santorum,” and I stand by that statement. He’s an awful, awful person and I cherish the moment I get to see him crash and burn. I am upset that I will be kept waiting.

He won yesterday’s Iowa caucus, coming in eight votes behind Romney after a disturbingly quick rise in the polls. Two things: first, the delegates to the county and state conventions that are picked at the caucuses and not legally bound to vote for the same person at the convention as they did at the caucuses. Second, since 1980 but excluding years when candidates ran unopposed, only twice has the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses gone on to win the nomination, Bob Dole in 96 and George W. in 2000. Even fucking Reagan didn’t win in Iowa; he lost to H.W.

Oh, and Obama got 98% of yesterday’s Democratic caucus. 2% were “uncommitted.” Somehow I doubt this matters.

Fuck You Rick Santorum

Yesterday it was all I could do to avoid a constant bombardment of Weiner jokes via my small cache of internet news sources. I was incredibly displeased to see that Slate took up the term “Weinergate,” and devoted a silly-large amount of time to talking about the scandal.

When news is obsessed with scandal, real or supposed, one fairly interesting story has the ability to grab the entire industry by the balls and completely dominate the cycle. Yesterday it was Weiner’s bummer of a press conference. I did end up watching it, out of the curiosity, to see if he was more Eliot Spitzer or Mark Sanford: it was a disturbing combination of the both. But you know, yesterday had more news that just the admission of “lewdness,” as some have taken to calling it. Yesterday, Rick Santorum announced he is running for president. Yeah.

Santorum doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning. This makes me happy. Googling his name still directs one first to the Dan Savage created hilarity of spreadingsantorum.com. This makes me happy, too. But despite that, the idea of his being anywhere close to a national election makes my skin crawl.

So, Lest We Forget:

In 2001, then Sen. Rick Santorum attempted to attach an amendment to No Child Left Behind to promote the inclusion of intelligent design in public school curricula.

In 2003, Santorum in an interview drew connections between homosexuality and bigamy, incest, pedophilia, and bestiality.

In 2004, Santorum blamed the Catholic Priest sexual abuse scandal on the “moral relativism” that liberals espouse, and thought it made sense that Boston, the “seat of… cultural liberalism in America,” would be the place the scandal broke.

I’m reminded of something my brother once said about Gerald Ford. Ford had just died, and with flags at half-mast most folks were singing the praises of the former president. My brother shot off a letter to the local alt weekly that listed a few of Ford’s most egregiously poor decisions, and declared that even in this time of mourning we shouldn’t forget “the piece of shit that man had for a soul.”

Well said, Matt. In that spirit:

Fuck you Rick Santorum. The voters of Pennsylvania ousted you in favor of a milquetoast son-of-a-governor, and this country will never allow your greasy hands, your vacant, beady little eyes, or hateful, hateful mind to return to government. Fuck you.